Quotes
On music
"All of the best albums were produced by The Eagles. And their best one was 'The Best Of The Eagles'".
On growing up
"Most young people aspire to be mature; I aspired to be a student. I'm permanently looking for excuses not to do the washing up."
On technology
"Old age is when you fail to undercut the time given on Google Maps's walking directions."
(source)
On education
"People obsess over mere fashion trends. Aged two I could operate my parents' VHS player on my own. Where did that get me in life?"
On flying
"You have not seen indecision like me deciding which London airport to fly from."
(source)
On politics
"I'd call myself a reformed conservative. I grew up in an extremely Tory part of England watching a Labour government fall apart. Then Cameron got in and people told me their world was getting better. As I got older I learned this was at the expense of the poor, the vulnerable and the friendly. I wish my old neighbours could see that."
On vegetables
"Potatoes are magical, aren't they?"
On food
"I am number one for ice cream news."
(source)
On the environment
"We should all be recycling, conserving energy, conserving water, not because any government forces us to but because it's the logical thing to do."
On inventions
"Nothing good has been invented after 2003. We were doing all right but after that it's just distractions, vitriol and Nicki Minaj."
On travelling
"The problem with travelling is all the airport restaurants are serving breakfast but I’ve been up 5 hours and want nothing less than steak."
(source)
On crime
"Speeding is the only crime I am any good at."
On career progression
"Why do all exciting things start with an application form?"
(source)
On mental health
"Mental healthcare in the UK is disgusting. Modern society creates problems and then the health service refuses to acknowledge them. Lovely staff whose hands are always tied."
On socialising
"The problem I had is that the world as I picture it isn't the same as reality. And I much preferred the one I had painted in my head."
On fame
"As a child I desperately wanted to be famously good at something. My generation is full of people on YouTube begging for fans. I didn't want that, I wanted the satisfaction from doing a job well. Then I realised I wasn't very good at anything."
On engineering
"As a child my three favourite places were the Dartford Crossing, the refurbished St Pancras Station and London Heathrow Airport. I fecking love big things."
On moving
"When I moved to Ireland I felt free from the miserable shackles of England. I still have an emotional bond with England, but right now there is too much to be ashamed of about it." "I would spend a year in Ireland, come back for a week and discover Southern Rail were still on strike."
On tourism
"I don't like it when people visit London and then cross off 'England'. London is among the best cities in the world but it's not England. Get attacked by muddy sheep while eating chips in the Lake District. Then you've been to England."
On society
"The worst thing we have inherited from America is good customer service. It has given everybody the impression that their opinions are important. They're not, they're only important if I agree with them." "We need to go back to a world where rude people have their food cooked on the floor."
On driving
"The problem with driving is that it is always either very fun or very boring. It should be neither. It's a potentially dangerous activity that requires permanent concentration. Humans are too egotistical for that."
On airports
"I stopped following sequels when they launched London Southend Airport, London Oxford Airport and London Ashford Airport. Those places don't deserve airports, and if they did they should give them real names."
On nationality
"At the moment I call myself British, because it upsets the English nationalists. It changes. They're both right."
On borders
"A town is named whatever people want to call it. Its borders are wherever people want them to be."
On Kent
"Who knew Kent was so big?"
On road safety
"If your job is to reduce the number of people being killed by cars, it's very lazy to blame speed. Technically, all accidents are caused by speed: if you were going slower you'd have stopped sooner."
On Northern England
"Southerners talk like Northern England is one big, poor town. It isn't. It is many fantastically diverse and beautiful places."
On wisdom
"It is what it is and what it is is what it is."