Hello there

Hello there

There are billions of webpages on the internet. Thank you for clicking on mine.

Sometimes, usually when I'm standing in a queue at the Post Office, I have a flash of inspiration of something I might want to write about. I like writing about what I see. I like the ridiculous, the sublime, and the utterly banal. I feel like I have been to every petrol station in England. I can review them on request.

I have been told I am "occasionally amusing" and "have some nice pictures". Such feedback inspires me to carry on writing. If you'd like to find out more, please use the contact link on the left. If you'd like to leave aggressive and threatening feedback, there is a section for you too at the end of most articles.

Main Stories

  • TUI advert 'able to survive a nuclear apocalypse' Date: March 2018That bloody TUI advert is able to survive a nuclear apocalypse, the travel agent has revealed.

  • Ireland's €38m solution to my mum finding my houseDate: February 2017My favourite fact about Ireland is that it doesn't have any post codes. Except that it does, it just tries to pretend they don't exist.

  • How Facebook comments workDate: May 2016The Dunning–Kruger cognitive bias effect is demonstrated perfectly in the Facebook comments section (spotted during the EU referendum campaign).

  • Petrol Pump ConspiracyDate: January 2016Inanimate objects often conspire against me. I will never forget my first forced use of pay-at-pump technology at an Asda just outside Stoke-on-Trent on a cold and lonely night. This was the worst possible outcome. I can't even cope with the TV on an odd number.

  • The New Year SyndromeDate: January 2016I realise January 2015 wasn't just a little bit last year, it was very last year. I've already managed to miss my train, because the ticket I have just paid for is for last year. Please help me.

  • 10 Places I Don't LikeDate: December 2015December is a month for reflection, and it is a time to remind yourself what mistakes you won't make in the new year.

Other things

  • "Not familiar with escalators"Date: February 2018Connolly station has a very specific sign for its vintage audience.

  • Who's going to tell them?Date: September 2016Signs are not permitted in this area.

  • This map could not have helped me lessDate: March 2016When I got lost in Bridgwater I knew where I wanted to end up, but didn't know which way to turn. This map could not have been any less helpful.

  • Robert Smith's CalendarDate: December 2015Big decision but I've finally chosen my celebrity calendar for 2016. I've gone for Robert Smith's. I looked up all the lyrics.

  • The most expensive car park in the worldDate: October 2015When my friend was looking for someone to meet him at Stansted, I had to pretend I don't get really excited in airports. Instead I found the most expensive car park in the world.

  • I Think I'm In WalesDate: August 2015This is my favourite Facebook check-in I've ever done. For the next few hours, everyone's phones were broken by the horizontal stretch on the location bar. That's proper trolling.

  • Southern Train StationsDate: October 2014Nowhere beyond Birmingham is worth mentioning. It's cold and dark, with border controls you'll struggle to pass. This isn't actually true: the boundary is at Banbury.

  • The world's worst tour bookDate: January 2014I love old maps and books; you never know what you're going to find. Like this. I have no idea why this would be produced, or why it deserves such a bold print.

  • Inflation Bites In WalesDate: October 2013We're all aware of pound shops and 99p stores. Well in Wales, economic advantages put them a higher class than that.

  • Some ironic shop spot shotsDate: August 2012I-rony.

  • Stop the salt!Date: December 2010Unlike most people, I happily take orders from electronic signs. When the template message "GRITTING IN PROGRESS" was first changed to "SALT SPREADING", a predictable message became much more intimidating.

  • My dental laboratoryDate: November 2010It is really, absolutely, not a shed.

  • My Printer Hates MeDate: November 2010Anyone who has worked in a supposed 'modern office' will be familiar with the unnecessary evil that is printing credit. Printing credit hates you. This is proof of that in action.

I forgot this was heading still here

  • The one about the blogger and the hotelDate: January 2018This news story is annoying me because everybody is wrong.

  • Food Hacks and Food WinsDate: March 2017I know nothing about cooking but I am an expert in supermarket shopping. Follow my genuine guide to get the best biscuits, ice cream and cake.

  • The Crystal MazeDate: February 2017I endured the waiting list and finding the anonymous building within Central London to play the Crystal Maze - and won (kind-of). Now I'll try to debunk a few myths.

  • Visiting the UK's ArchivesDate: March 2016Archives can be intimidating if you don't know what you're doing. They can also be good fun, so I created this guide to explain exactly where you begin.

  • Bicycle HandDate: February 2016This translation really does not help.

  • The aggressiveness of the German languageDate: February 2016I love this translation.

  • Four languages in as many daysDate: February 2016Returning from a short wander around Europe, I thought I should write up what happened to remind myself in future. That's all this is.

  • Never Have I Ever Used A Sat NavDate: September 2015Sometimes in life, you get lost. Pretty much every amazing thing I've seen has been while I was going in the wrong direction. Getting lost should be scary. But why? It's only a small country.

  • A Couple Of Places I've Been ToDate: July 2015I like to visit new places and I like to stop and take photographs of them. I am not a photographer. Well I am, because I own an iPhone, but I am not professionally accredited. In my head I am though.

  • What is an entertainment carriage?Date: November 2014I had a bit of a shock when I sat down on this First Great Western/Great Western Railway train. It had an entertainment carriage. With films on it! Like from planes in the future.

  • This forecourt is not dedicated to the publicDate: May 2014Are you dedicated to the public? Sadly this sign isn't.

  • Precise Opening hoursDate: May 2014Why open on the hour or on the half-hour when you can open at the precise minute?

  • I lost the gameDate: May 2011Nintendo DS made me lose the game. Please don't hate me for this.

  • That time I got tickets for Have I Got News For YouDate: May 2011As a testament to my fine planning skills, the whole thing was a bit of a rush because you no-one will tell you how early you need to get there to actually get a (decent) seat. It's still not clear, it's a bit chaotic and random. Still, I was lucky enough to spend an afternoon skiving in London, watching a recording of Have I Got News For You.

  • Boscombe's £3m artificial surf reefDate: March 2011In 2011 I was lucky enough to visit Boscombe, which had just invested £3m in an artificial surf reef to create large waves to attract surfers. The result was perhaps not what they were expecting.

  • Visit to The Mount HospitalDate: February 2011I very rarely venture my way around an abandoned building, but when I do, I pretend I'm a photographer.

  • YouTube - People Being A Bit Of A Tit
    I am the owner of the world's worst YouTube series. There is too much action on YouTube; kids are going to grow up believing that there is a crazy Russian driver waiting to cut you up at every intersection. Mine add a bit of mundane reality to the mix. One time I did witness an actual accident, but I had forgotten to plug my camera in, prevented any hard-earned riches from coming my way.

© 2018 Johnathan Randall.

Tedious about the author bit

I love music, media, news, travelling, old TV shows, heavy machinery, lists. Have a fear of boats. Humour is weak at best.

I present/produce radio, I write, I'll be whoever you want to be. I'm not wearing that.

Legally bland

Any similarities with real-life events or wealthy international firms is probably coincidental. No products endorsed. I'm powered by Monster Munch.

© 2018 Johnathan Randall.